The Blame Game
by girl undone
Summary: Commander Shepard and Joker have a brief heart-to-heart concerning her death and his broken arm.


"It's not your fault, you know."

Joker tried to hide his face, but the Commander had snatched his cap off moments before, so all he could do was duck his head. He didn't want to have this conversation. As his brain frantically tried to jest his way out of it, memories of her being blown away into space as she slammed his pod shut and into orbit blurred his vision.

"Yeah, I know, it would've looked bad for the Savior of the Citadel to leave her crippled pilot to go down with the ship." He cringed as it came out, much more bitter than he intended.

Shepard stopped rhythmically slapping his baseball cap against the console to swat him with it upside the head. He flinched, expecting much worse than a verbal slap to come out of her mouth.

It never did.

"Jeff," quietly, soothingly, not at all in her commanding tone usually heard in the CIC, "Don't be an idiot. I'm serious." He knew she was. EDI may have called him by his real name because she was a damned AI intent on torturing his haven in the cockpit, but the Commander had earned the privilege back on the original Normandy. They had the same sense of humour, the same love of biting sarcasm; they even backed the same sports teams on Earth. He never tried to put her on a pedestal and, for that, they had become fast friends.

She pushed back her hair with her arm, still holding his cap. "Hey, look at me." He still kept his head down, ears ringing with the accusations, the blame, on the icy cold ground of Alchera, in the Citadel debriefing, from Alenko-

She dropped his cap on the console behind her and tugged his scruffy chin in her direction so he would meet her eyes. She wasn't afraid to touch him as though he would shatter- he would be insulted if she did- but she knew not to exert much pressure. Sometimes one forgot one was a trained N7 marine and accidentally smashed a personal terminal after reading a private email. Kelly had made notes.

Joker heaved a sigh and turned his head to look up at her. He hoped she wouldn't notice his eyes were glassy, but it was a feeble wish. She had the decency not to comment on it. Instead, she offered one of her rare little smiles, where half her mouth quirked up. "I'd have saved anyone. You, Garrus, Wrex... Well, I don't know how I would have shoved Wrex in a pod, but you get my drift. You're my crew. You're my _family_. No one gets left behind."

He knew she meant it. Family wasn't a word she used lightly. She didn't have one. Yet, she didn't say Alenko. He always wondered about their relationship, but it was the one thing she didn't really speak about to him. Sure, she made all the ribald jokes that were expected of carousing marines after a victory, but that was it. After Horizon, she looked angrier than a charging krogan, but judging by what he was able to pry out of Garrus, who had been along, her anger was not over Alenko's accusations of treachery, but his declaration of love. He remembered that he had been as puzzled as the turian over that one.

He spoke without thinking, repeating what he had heard spat at him, for once not the joker at all. "I should have abandoned my station when you gave the order! I shouldn't have made you lose your life so you could haul me out of the cockpit! I should have-"

"I shouldn't have broke your arm!"

He shut up, stunned into speechlessness. She was upset that she broke his _arm_? He _killed_ her and she was blaming herself for breaking his arm to _save his life_? His brain was spinning with italics.

"That's insane, Commander. You saved my life! If you hadn't grabbed me, we both would have-"

"Been left behind," she finished for him. He noticed she didn't say 'killed'. They both made numerous zombie jokes, mostly in front of Miranda, but there was always something in Shepard's eyes when the subject came up that made him want to run far, far from it. "And, as I said, I don't leave my family behind." She paused. Virmire. He could tell by the way her jaw tightened, her hands gripping the console she leaned against. "If I can do anything to help it. So if I hear you, or anyone else for that matter, give you grief about how you killed the," she pulled out the air-quotes, "'Almighty Savior of the Citadel' Commander Shepard, I want to know about it. Emily Wong can have the exclusive: "Commander Shepard demonstrates how to dismember a foe in hand-to-hand combat- without biotics!" She quirked that smile again.

"Aw, fine, Commander, if you wanna lift my spirits and make me feel all rainbows and bunnies, fine, go ahead, tear a few new ones for me." He grinned back, but they both knew it wasn't whole-hearted. It would take much more than that.

Shepard straightened up, pushing herself off the console, then reaching behind her to relinquish his SR2 baseball cap to the rightful owner. "I'm on it. Just be sure to tell Kelly you need to speak to me about something urgent and most likely concerning 'daddy issues' and we'll be through the next mass relay in an hour."

Joker snorted. "Right."

She turned, as if to go, then suddenly remembered something. "Hey, first Jets game of the season on Earth tonight. Think we can stream it in comm room?"

"Oh, sure, Miranda would love that, Commander."

"Operative word: Commander. I am and she's not." Then, in mock-cajoling tones, C'mon, you know you want to. Besides, I've been meaning to explain football to Garrus. Translators don't pick up the difference between 'gang green' and 'rotting flesh'. And you know it's gonna be the Jets in Super Bowl CCXX this year, baby!" She said the last loudly, so the navigators looked up at their Commander first in confusion, then amusement.

Joker couldn't suppress another snort. He might be a fan, but even he didn't have that much faith, "Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. I'll do it. And... thanks."

Commander Shepard rubbed the back of her neck in a familiar gesture of soreness and embarrassment. "Yeah, yeah, that'll be all, Joker."

Joker settled back more comfortably in his pilot's seat. Somehow, he felt a little lighter. "See ya, Commander."


End file.
